


Filks from the Red Book

by Celandine



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/M, Gen, Multi-Age, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-11
Updated: 2015-04-11
Packaged: 2018-03-22 07:19:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 43
Words: 9,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3720059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celandine/pseuds/Celandine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. He's Always a Hobbit

**Author’s note:**

Sung by F. Baggins. Based on “She’s Always a Woman,” by Billy Joel.

*******

He may throttle my neck, he may claw at my eyes  
He will ruin my day with his tricks and his lies  
And he acts as a guide only reluctantly  
He looks like a frog, but he’s always a Hobbit to me

He can lead us through marsh, he will snuffle and thieve  
He may say he says truth (Sam will never believe)  
And he’ll take the Ring from me so I can be free  
Yeah he cackles and grins but he’s always a Hobbit to me

Oh he takes care of Precious  
He can wait if he wants  
He will get it in time  
Oh and he almost repents  
But he never quite does  
He just changes his mind

He may promise us safety and paths up the Stairs  
And then cunningly lead us to Shelob’s dark lairs  
But he’ll bring out the best in my Samwise Gamgee  
So I don’t blame myself, ’cause he’s always a Hobbit to me

(Mmm)

Oh he takes care of Precious  
He can wait if he wants  
He will get it in time  
Oh and he almost repents  
But he never quite does  
He just changes his mind

He is not often kind, and he’s frequently cruel  
And to come back to Mordor may prove him a fool  
But I can’t even blame him for following me  
In the end he will do  
What I choose not to do  
And he’s always a Hobbit to me

(Mmm)  



	2. Lórien

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**

Sung by Haldir of Lórien. Based on “Allentown,” by Billy Joel.

*******

Well we’re living here in Lórien  
Till we travel and begin again  
Out in Valinor they say it’s nice –  
Traveling West  
Still has its price

Well our fathers made the Last Alliance  
Circled Mordor like a living fence  
Fought with dark Sauron for seven years  
And though we won  
‘Twas with many tears

And we’re living here in Lórien  
But the sea-longing cannot be quenched  
And the mallorns are all turning grey

Well we’re waiting here in Lórien  
Lady Galadriel will lead us, then  
We’ll go west across the briny waves  
By the Straight Road  
Not by the grave

So the bows and arrows lean on the wall  
And they surely were a help to us all  
But the world of war is not what’s real  
Hating to wound,  
We’d far rather heal

And we’re waiting here in Lórien  
Though the Elves and Dwarves may soon all be friends  
Still we’ll have to travel West someday

Even though I’m a pretty good shot  
I still don’t want to think that that’s all I’ve got  
And now that Sauron’s gone I’ll try some new things  
Like seeing where the seagulls go on bold wings

Well we’re living here in Lórien  
Someday soon we’ll travel with the winds  
But we won’t be heading out today

And we’re living here in Lórien


	3. The Ranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**

Sung by Aragorn Telcontar. Based on “The Stranger,” by Billy Joel.

*******

Well the North is my place  
And I’ve wandered there forever  
So it seems to those who know of me  
And mostly wish me gone  
But I dress myself in steel  
And I wrap myself in leather  
They’re the garments of a Ranger  
So I have to put them on

Well I ride to protect  
And I disregard the danger  
And I risk myself in duty  
For I reason I now tell  
And you may be surprised  
When you ask about that Ranger  
Did you ever think that you would learn  
The Ranger is myself?

You are afraid of those black men  
They pursued you here  
Terrified your friends  
You bear It, there is no one else  
Who can hide this thing  
Better than yourself

Once I rode to the South  
With the Rohirrim was mounted  
And I also served in Gondor –  
Minas Tirith is my prize  
I have fought against the Dark Lord  
For more years than might be counted  
It’s my mission as a Ranger  
And now you I will advise

Well I ride to protect  
And I disregard the danger  
And I risk myself in duty  
For I reason I now tell  
And you may be surprised  
When you ask about that Ranger  
Did you ever think that you would learn  
The Ranger is myself?

You are afraid of those black men  
They pursued you here  
Terrified your friends  
You bear It, there is no one else  
Who can hide this thing  
Better than yourself

Now you soon will understand  
How the Ranger is inspired  
For although you doubt his visage  
Looks do not mean everything  
I will guard you from the Nazgûl  
And I’ll guide you to the Fires  
You will find I’m worth my hire  
When the Ranger becomes King


	4. The Nazgûl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**

Sung by the Witch-king of Angmar; written by Saruman and Glorfindel. Based on “The Boxer,” by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel.

*******

I am just a Nazgûl and my story’s rather old  
I gave in to dark lord Sauron for a pretty golden ring  
Such is avarice. I was a king  
Now I live as shapeless nothing and care not for anything.

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

When I joined the wraiths in their brotherhood I was slowly getting old  
And I feared both death and changes. In the quiet Sauron tempted me and  
I gave in. Now I go  
Seeking out the Hobbit Frodo to deal him a mortal blow  
Whether I’ll achieve this, not even Sauron knows.

Li la li, li la li li li la li, li la li, li la li li li la li la la la la li.

Asking only long-term power  
I accepted that gold ring, but now Sauron has it  
And I’m slave to his dark will for all eternity. I do declare  
Had I known my future was this bad I never would have dared.

La la la la la la la la

Now I’m laying out my robes of black and wishing they were green  
Even red, something other than plain black which is exceedingly  
(Heed you me) dull to wear.

On the hilltop stands this Nazgûl and I must do Sauron’s will  
For he orders my existence  
And every breath that I take now  
Is threatened if I should fail, but the Ranger bears a flame  
So I’m leaving, I am leaving – but the Morgul-blade remains.

Li la li, li la li li li la li, li la li, li la li li li la li la la la la li.  



	5. Feelin' Weary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**

Sung by F. Baggins; another tune from the duo of Saruman and Glorfindel. Based on “Feelin’ Groovy,” by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel.

*******

Walk on, we must move fast  
We dare not let the One Ring last  
Let’s hurry on to Sauron’s land  
Watchin’ for Orcs and feelin’ weary

La la la la la la la la la la, feelin’ weary

Hello Gollum, where ya goin’?  
Your lust to steal is clearly showin’  
Have to watch you lest you flee  
Do it do do do, feelin’ weary

La la la la la la la la la la, feelin’ weary

We have stern deeds to do and promises to keep  
And when we have finished who knows where we’ll sleep  
If we make it to Mount Doom I’ll hope to be free  
But just now I’m feelin’ weary

La la la la la la la la la la, feelin’ weary


	6. Lord Sauron's Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**

Sung by Sauron, in _Silmarillion, the Musical_. Based on “King Herod’s song,” from _Jesus Christ Superstar_ , lyrics Tim Rice, music Andrew Lloyd Webber. _Silmarillion, the Musical_ title borrowed from “The Very Secret Diaries” by Cassandra Claire.

*******

Frodo, I am overjoyed  
To finally see your face  
You’ve been getting in the way  
All around my place  
Wounding Shelob  
And shouting Elvish words  
A Perian is what you are?  
At least that’s what I’ve heard

So you are the spy  
You’re the great Halfling spy  
I will make sure that you are mine  
Though it may take a little time  
Be sure that I’ll do  
Something nasty to you  
Frodo, you are a fool

Frodo you will soon believe  
The power of my Eye  
You will squirm and cry aloud  
And wish that you could die  
Oh what a pity  
If you give in fast  
Still I’m sure  
That careful torture will ensure you last

So if you are the spy  
Yes the great Halfling spy  
What is it that you do here?  
Your mission has gone wrong, I fear  
Be sure that I’ll do  
Something nasty to you  
Frodo, you are a fool

You can’t believe that you can tell a lie to me  
Why pretend that you just came  
To surf on Nûrnen Sea? (Oh, ho ho)  
I am waiting  
To hear how you might take  
A well-deserved vacation  
On that so-bitter lake

So if you are the spy  
Yes the great Halfling spy  
You’d better go and train some more  
To sneak around in MY Mordor  
Something’s gone wrong for you  
You were caught, no ado  
Frodo, you are a fool

Hey! Aren’t you scared Baggins-boy?  
That you’ll be an Orc-toy?  
You’re a joke, you’re not the spy  
You’re just an average guy  
Take him away  
He’s got nothing to say!  
Get out you Perian  
Get out you Perian  
Get out you Perian fool!  
Get out of here, you, you!  
Get out of here, you!  
Get out of my sight!  



	7. Me and That Gimli

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**

This was inspired by a challenge from Eledhwen. Based on “Me and My Shadow,” lyrics by Billy Rose, music by Al Jolson and Dave Dreyer, as sung by Robbie Williams and Jonathon Wilkes in duet.

*******

Gimli: Like a diamond clings to the stone  
Like a Dwarf from his cave cannot be  
Like you’ll never get rid of your shadow  
Leg’, you’ll never get rid of me

If the Hobbits all disappear  
Whatever happens, I’ll be here

Legolas: Me and that Gimli  
Gimli: We’re closer than Elf and Dwarf ever have been  
We’re acting like brothers (if under the skin)  
Legolas: Bashing Orcs at old Helm’s Deep  
Gimli: Wherever you find him, I’ll be there, again  
Closer than an arrow in the valley of the shadow

Legolas: Me and that Gimli  
We’re closer than Sam and Frodo on quest  
We’re friends, no arguing who’s better dressed  
Not an Orc can beat either of us  
We kill them with little fuss

Together: And when it’s time to ride  
Down to Gondor  
We share a horse  
Gimli can’t hide  
All his horror  
Legolas of course  
Will not worry

Legolas: Me and that Gimli  
Gimli: And now to repeat what I said at the start  
Even the blue ocean won’t break us apart  
Legolas: Oceans won’t scare him with me

Gimli: Before we get finished, we’ll go to Valinor  
We’ll see the Ringbearers and then a few more  
Elves and the Valar, we’ll have time for it all  
Life is gonna be a real ball  
For Legolas and me!  



	8. The Fellowship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**

This one is not precisely a filk, but rather a poem parody. Based on “Jabberwocky,” by Lewis Carroll.

*******

’Twas Frodo and three hobbits more  
Did leave the Shire in haste one day.  
All frightened were they of the lore  
That old Gandalf did say.

“Beware the black Nazgûl my lad!  
Their swords can bite, if you they catch.  
Their presence drives all creatures mad -  
You from your friends they’ll snatch.”

He took the golden ring on chain  
And sought to flee them with the rest;  
Then saved by Elf he found himself  
In Elrond’s care, at rest.

The Ring could not stay then or there,  
To Fires of Doom it must be brought.  
So Frodo, amid pain and care,  
Made the choice to cast his lot

With Elf and Dwarf, Hobbit and Man  
And sought a route to Sauron’s land.  
The Nine who walked, did also talk  
Of how to reach that distant strand.

But could they match the grim Balrog?  
‘Twould be a chore for Gandalf grey.  
O wizard brave, the rest did save –  
He fell and died that day.

The Company then fled the cave;  
To Lórien they sadly passed.  
And though the Lady to them gave  
Gifts, still they mourned at last.

Now on to Mordor grimly pressed  
The Fellowship, on river’s flow.  
Then Boromir tried in his fear  
To take the Ring from Frodo.

The Hobbit fled up Amon Hen  
And Orcs killed Boromir that day;  
Merry and Pip were captured then,  
Brought to Fangorn far away.

Aragorn then with rapid tread  
Led Legolas, Gimli, from the scene  
While faithful Sam and Frodo fled  
’Cross Anduin, to lands unseen.


	9. Dont Cry for Me, Figwit Baby (Legolass Theme)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**

This requires a bit of explanation. “Figwit” (an acronym for Frodo Is Grea... Who Is That?) is the dark-haired Elf extra sitting next to Aragorn at the Council of Elrond in the film version of _The Fellowship of the Ring_. The inventors of the name go by the handles “Arwenelf” and “InDUHvidual” at TheOneRing.net, or TOR.n. They eventually created a website, www.figwitlives.net, and the phenomenon actually made the papers. This filk was written for them.

Sung by Legolas, in _Silmarillion, the Musical_. Based on “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina,” from _Evita_ , lyrics Tim Rice, music Andrew Lloyd Webber. _Silmarillion, the Musical_ title borrowed from “The Very Secret Diaries” by Cassandra Claire.

*******

It isn’t easy to be so cool.  
And I will not explain my techniques -  
How I pluck and I groom and peroxide my hair.  
You may be jealous -  
All that you see is the swooning of crowds -  
But now I’ve a secret to tell:  
For you they’ll be equally loud.

You have to keep your silence, and keep that pout.  
Arwenelf and Ms. DUH will make you  
Nothing less than an icon, and a rival to me.  
You’ll have a website,  
Interviews too, what a thrill it will be.  
Such fame as you’d never expect  
For the character “Elf number three.”

But don’t cry for me Figwit baby!  
The truth is, I will outlast you.  
I’m in the next film  
And the one after;  
You’ll have your moment,  
But hear my laughter.

For I’ll have more than your fleeting fame.  
Yes, blonde hair will win in the end.  
All the Hobbits will fall for my archery skills.  
Though Sam may kill me,  
Still I’ll travel with Frodo and you’ll be stuck here.  
Although Elrond may fancy you still,  
I will see if the Ringbearer’s queer.

No don’t cry for me Figwit baby!  
For the truth is, I will outlast you.  
I’m in the next film  
And the one after;  
You’ll have your moment,  
But hear my laughter.

(Will I lose my looks?  
There’s nothing worse I can think of in any day.  
But since I left that Figwit guy in Rivendell  
The prettiest I’ll stay...)


	10. High Flying, Figwit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**

This requires a bit of explanation. “Figwit” (an acronym for Frodo Is Grea... Who Is That?) is the dark-haired Elf extra sitting next to Aragorn at the Council of Elrond in the film version of _The Fellowship of the Ring_. The inventors of the name go by the handles “Arwenelf” and “InDUHvidual” at TheOneRing.net, or TOR.n. They eventually created a website, www.figwitlives.net, and the phenomenon actually made the papers. This filk was written for them.

Sung by the TOR.n membership and Figwit, in _Silmarillion, the Musical_. Based on “High Flying, Adored,” from _Evita_ , lyrics Tim Rice, music Andrew Lloyd Webber. _Silmarillion, the Musical_ title borrowed from “The Very Secret Diaries” by Cassandra Claire.

*******

**The TOR.n chorus:**

High flying, Figwit, so cool, at the big council  
A dark handsome young Elf who stared in silence, he sat between  
Our Strider of the Rangers and some dude  
He was just an extra then  
Pouting and sulking  
No good at talking

High flying, Figwit, did you not hope to have counsel given  
Not just sat and stared, but to have joined the lads in Rivendell?  
Was there some mystery that kept you from speech?  
Did you come from the Havens or the forest of Lórien?  
No one knows and that Figwit will not tell

High flying, Figwit, what will you do? Will you appear again to us?  
For someone so briefly on screen your fans have sure made a fuss  
A shame you were not cast as Legolas  
But it’s too late for that  
Orlando Bloom did  
Quite a good job, kid

High flying, Figwit, I hope you find success in movies  
Job offers will come to you, you know, although you may not want them now  
You’ve been made by the fandom - can you really act?  
So put paid to the rumors, and show us that you do know how  
Arwenelf and DUH will come and bow...

**Figwit:**

I may be Figwit, but as you know, I am more than just that  
My story’s quite usual - local guy is cast and ends a star  
I was at the audition and they picked me out  
Then I sat at the table, the rest you already know  
You’ll see me, I’m going very far


	11. I Don't Know If I Love Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
Sung by Gollum, from _Silmarillion, the Musical_. Based on “I Don’t Know How to Love Him,” from _Jesus Christ Superstar_ , lyrics by Tim Rice, music by Andrew Lloyd Webber. The concept of _Silmarillion: The Musical_ is borrowed from Cassie Claire’s _Very Secret Diaries_.

*******

I don’t know if I love him  
What to do, if I love him  
I’ve been changed, yes by Precious  
In these past few days  
Sméagol has come back  
And I seem like someone else

I don’t know how to lead him  
I don’t know where he travels  
Master is  
A Hobbit too  
But he’s raised so many  
Memories  
In very many ways  
I want to please

Should I lead him true  
Or deceive these two  
Should I go to Her?  
I am torn by doubt  
I never thought I’d come back here  
What’s it all about?

And I think it’s rather funny  
I should be in this position  
I’m the one  
Who found Precious  
In that deep pool  
Am I a fool  
Caring for Frodo  
He binds me so

I never thought I’d come back here  
What’s it all about?

Yet  
If he said he’d free me  
I’d be lost  
I’d be lonely  
I couldn’t cope  
Just couldn’t cope  
I’d follow him  
I’d never leave  
I wouldn’t want to go  
He binds me so  
I want It so  
I love him so  



	12. Mordor Is a Blight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
Sung by Sam, Gollum, and Frodo from _Silmarillion, the Musical_. Based on “Everything’s Alright,” from _Jesus Christ Superstar_ , lyrics by Tim Rice, music by Andrew Lloyd Webber. The concept of _Silmarillion: The Musical_ is borrowed from Cassie Claire’s _Very Secret Diaries_.

*******

(Sam)

You ought to be worried  
You ought to be nervous  
I don’t mean to upset you but  
(oh) Don’t you know  
Mordor is a blight  
Yes Mordor is grim  
And I know I won’t rest well tonight  
Watching Gollum will destroy sleep tonight  
We may try  
To get by  
But our danger increases each night

(Local fauna)

Mordor is a blight  
Yes Mordor is a blight yes

(Sam)

Sleep and I shall watch you  
Keep you and protect you  
No harm upon your head  
(oh) But I feel  
Mordor is a blight yes  
Mordor is grim  
And it’s dark and the lands are drear  
And I don’t think we can leave from here  
Close your eyes  
Close your eyes  
Mr. Frodo  
I will watch you tonight

(Local fauna)

Mordor is a blight  
Yes Mordor is a blight yes

(Gollum)

Hobbit your stewed rabbit  
Carefully cooked with herbs  
Should have been left for me raw  
Why has it been wasted?  
It could have fed maybe  
Ourself for three evenings or more  
Precious who is hungry  
Precious who is starving  
Matters more  
Than your silly stew

(Sam)

You ought to be worried  
You ought to be nervous  
I don’t mean to upset you but  
(oh) Don’t you know  
Mordor is a blight  
Yes Mordor is grim  
And I know I won’t rest well tonight  
Watching Gollum will destroy sleep tonight  
We may try  
To get by  
But our danger increases each night

(Local fauna)

Mordor is a blight  
Yes Mordor is a blight yes

(Frodo)

Surely you’re not saying  
We ought to turn back now  
From distances dearly bought?  
Although there is always  
Danger before us now  
Look at how far we’ve got!  
Eat while you still can Sam  
Sleep while you still can Sam  
You’ll be lost  
You’ll be so lonely  
When I’m gone

(Sam)

Sleep and I shall watch you  
Keep you and protect you  
No harm upon your head  
(oh) But I feel  
Mordor is a blight yes  
Mordor is grim  
And it’s dark and the lands are drear  
And I don’t think we can leave from here  
Close your eyes  
Close your eyes  
Mr. Frodo  
I will watch you tonight

(Local fauna)

Mordor is a blight  
Yes Mordor is a blight yes

(Sam)

Close your eyes  
Close your eyes  
Mr. Frodo  
I will watch you tonight

(repeat to fade)  



	13. Call to Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author's note:**

Sung by S. Gollum; yet another tune from the duo of Saruman and Glorfindel. Based on "Sounds of Silence," by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel.

*******

Hello Precious, only friend  
We've come to take you home again  
Because a terror softly creeping  
Came upon us as we were sleeping  
And the terror that the wraiths gave to our soul  
Will never go  
Until your call is silenced

O'er rock and cliff we creeps alone  
Where the winds from Mordor groan  
‘Neath the glare of the Yellow Face  
We hides from it although we gives chase  
To the Hobbits two that eludes our every sight  
Until tonight  
When we will them silence

And in the friendly dark we knows  
Our Precious somewhere dimly glows  
But the Hobbits are not speaking  
They might hear us if they are listening  
So we must decide if we can reach it there  
And if we dare  
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools," we says, "they are asleep  
Hidden he the Precious keeps  
But his clothing hides It not from me  
Nothing will the Precious keep from me"  
And we goes to take it from his hold  
But our need  
Is now met with violence

And the Hobbits holds us tight  
Tied with rope that our flesh bites  
And Baggins gives us a warning  
Not to think of himself harming  
And he says that the Precious is a torment that will drive us to endless pain  
And darker dreams  
And cannot e'er be silenced  



	14. Arwen Evenstar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author's note:**

Sung by the inhabitants of Gondor; still another tune from the duo of Saruman and Glorfindel. Based on "Mrs. Robinson," by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel.

*******

We'd like to know  
A little bit of history  
And your past.  
We'd like to help you make  
A Gondor splash.  
Look around you – all you see  
Are cold white marble walls.  
Stroll around the town –  
Someday you'll feel at home.

And here's to you, Arwen Evenstar,  
Gondor loves you more than you will know (Wo wo wo)  
We wish you please, Arwen Evenstar,  
Elvish ways to bring to us today (Hey hey hey, hey hey hey)

Do not think this is a place  
That hides more than it shows.  
Give us smiles and show us that Elf glamor.  
It isn't secret  
That the Evenstar is here.  
Most of all, you need to have a  
Couple kids.

Coo coo ca-choo, Arwen Evenstar  
Gondor loves you more than you will know (Wo wo wo)  
We wish you please, Arwen Evenstar,  
Elvish ways to bring to us today (Hey hey hey, hey hey hey)

Sitting in the throne room  
On a Highday afternoon,  
Listening to all the lords debate  
Quite the contrast  
To your own past  
When you had to choose  
Never think by coming here you'll lose

Where have you gone, Eless' Telcontar?  
A kingdom turns its lonely eyes to you (Ooo ooo ooo)  
What's that you say, Arwen Evenstar?  
"Aragorn has left and gone away" (Hey hey hey, hey hey hey)  



	15. Nazgûl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
Perhaps sung by Aragorn. Based on the Beatles’ “Blackbird.”

*******

Nazgûl winging over Mordor’s blight  
Leprous creature upon which you fly  
All your life  
You have spent in seeking that which you cannot attain

Nazgûl winging over Mordor’s blight  
Needing Sauron’s Eye with which to see  
All your life  
You have sought from cold death ever to be finally free

Nazgûl fly Nazgûl fly  
Into the storm of an endless night

Nazgûl fly Nazgûl fly  
Into the storm of an endless night

Nazgûl winging over Mordor’s blight  
Leprous creature upon which you fly  
All your life  
You have spent in seeking that which you cannot attain  
You have spent in seeking that which you cannot attain  
You have spent in seeking that which you cannot attain  



	16. Hobbiton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
Sung by Meriadoc, composed by him on a visit to his cousin Bilbo. Based on the Beatles’ “Penny Lane.”

*******

In Hobbiton there is a brewer filling barrels full  
Of all the ale that it’s his pleasure to sup  
And all the Hobbits that wander up  
Stop and have a cup

On the corner is a blacksmith with a mighty frown  
The little children hold him in most high respect  
Yet the blacksmith always plays a clown  
On Midsummer’s day, it’s very strange

Hobbiton is in my eyes and on my skin.  
There in front of Bilbo’s own Bag End  
I sit, and meanwhile down

In Hobbiton there is a miller with a surly tongue  
And in his mill-house is a great and grinding stone  
He likes to grumble that he’s never done  
But he works alone

Hobbiton is in my eyes and in my skin.  
There in front of Bilbo’s own Bag End  
I sit, and meanwhile down

Behind the stables where the farmers keep their willing nags  
Gaffer Gamgee’s selling taters when he may  
And though he makes a bit o’ coin that way  
It may take all day.

In Hobbiton the brewer fills another barrel full  
We see the blacksmith coming for his noontime mug  
And the miller brings along his son  
On Midsummer’s day, it’s very strange

Hobbiton is in my eyes and in my skin.  
There in front of Bilbo’s own Bag End  
I sit, and meanwhile down  
Hobbiton is in my eyes and in my skin.  
There in front of Bilbo’s own Bag End  
Hobbiton.  



	17. Longbottom Leaf (I Chose Bilbo)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
Sung by Gandalf, based on the Beatles’ “Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown).”

*******

I once had a pipe, or should I say, it once had me  
It fit in my pack, isn’t it sweet, Longbottom Leaf?

I picked up the pipe in the Shire one day all unaware  
Of how it would damage my lungs and leave smells in my hair

I sat in an inn, watching them all, smoking a bowl  
They discussed their quest, worried but keen, who’d make fourteen?

They asked if I knew of a burglar to help them – he’d have to be daft  
I told them I did if a Hobbit would be good enough

And so they agreed, and as you know, I chose Bilbo  
He also smokes weed, isn’t it sweet, Longbottom Leaf.  



	18. Dear Arwen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
Sung by Aragorn to Arwen, in Lothlórien, based on the Beatles’ “Dear Prudence.”

*******

Dear Arwen won’t you tell me I may  
Dear Arwen this is not in play  
The sun is gold but I am blue  
And will be till we say “I do”  
Dear Arwen won’t you tell me I may

Dear Arwen I know I’m no prize  
Dear Arwen I can hear your sighs  
The wind is harsh but birds still sing  
And I will someday soon be king  
Dear Arwen then I will become a prize

Think it through through  
Think it through through through  
Think it through

Dear Arwen you are free of guile  
Dear Arwen you are not a child  
Your love will be my dearest chain  
So hold me and promise again  
Dear Arwen you are free of guile

Dear Arwen won’t you tell me I may  
Dear Arwen this is not in play  
The sun is gold but I am blue  
And will be till we say “I do”  
Dear Arwen won’t you tell me I may  



	19. Shireward Bound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author's note:**

Sung by Sam Gamgee, written by the duo of Saruman and Glorfindel. Based on "Homeward Bound," by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel.

*******

I'm sitting in the Ephel Dúath  
Got a half-hour to the end of my watch.  
On a tour of Mordor's sights, my pans and rope are packed up tight,  
And every day and every night I watch and then my thoughts take flight.  
Shireward bound,  
I wish I was  
Shireward bound,  
Shire, where the Gaffer's snoring,  
Shire, where the roots are growing,  
Shire, where my Rosie's waiting  
Patiently for me.

Every day's a deadly dream  
Of rock and waste and "are we seen."  
And each league looks the same to me, the barren earth is all I see,  
Though Mister Frodo's guiding me I know we both would rather be  
Shireward bound,  
I wish I was  
Shireward bound,  
Shire, where the Gaffer's snoring,  
Shire, where the roots are growing,  
Shire, where my Rosie's waiting  
Patiently for me.

Tonight I'll munch _lembas_ again  
For Frodo's sake I will pretend.  
But in the dark I cannot see and panic may take over me  
Like water cold and silently might rise and start a'drowning me.  
Shireward bound,  
I wish I was  
Shireward bound,  
Shire, where the Gaffer's snoring,  
Shire, where the roots are growing,  
Shire, where my Rosie's waiting  
Patiently for me.  
Patiently for me.  



	20. Tuckborough Fair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author's note:**

Sung by Merry near the end of his life, another from the pens of the duo of Saruman and Glorfindel. Based on "Scarborough Fair," as sung by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel, though it is really a traditional folk tune.

*******

Are you going to Tuckborough Fair?  
 _Athelas_ , _niphredil_ , _mallorn_.  
Remember me to one who lives there.  
Tell him news of Rohan's bright horn.

Tell him that Merry is off to the south.  
 _Athelas_ , _niphredil_ , _mallorn_.  
No jest nor joke, this is but the truth  
Returning now to Rohan the horn.

Tell him to leave to his son all his land  
 _Athelas_ , _niphredil_ , _mallorn_.  
Between Little Delving and the White Downs,  
And come with me to take Rohan's horn.

Tell him we'll ride with the sun on our brows  
 _Athelas_ , _niphredil_ , _mallorn_.  
Towards the warm south to renew all our vows  
And mark our course by blowing that horn.

Are you going to Tuckborough Fair?  
 _Athelas_ , _niphredil_ , _mallorn_.  
Remember me to one who lives there.  
Tell him news of Rohan's bright horn.  



	21. Son of a Ranger Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

Aragorn was a Ranger's son,  
And when his travels led northward to Lórien,  
After Gran and Granddad finished talking  
I met Aragorn while walking,  
On a green hill we went walking  
And he looked into my eyes –  
I ne'er was so surprised.

The only one who could e'er convince me,  
Was the son of a ranger man,  
The only one who could "I'm your prince" me,  
Was the son of a ranger man,  
Yes he was, he was, oh yes he was.

Elvish life isn't always easy –  
You know that my mama died –  
Then he started complimenting me,  
He said I was Lúthien of twilight,  
He looked at me like a star in the twilight.  
Could I bear to lose him from my sight?

The only one who could e'er convince me,  
Was the son of a ranger man,  
The only one who could "I'm your prince" me,  
Was the son of a ranger man,  
Yes he was, he was, oh yes he was.

And I still remember  
The love that was in his eyes,  
Stealing glances at me, and his sighs,  
Though his time and my time  
Are of different rates and climes,  
Yet we found ourselves soon knowing  
Silently love for us had grown.

The only one who could e'er convince me,  
Was the son of a ranger man,  
The only one who could "I'm your prince" me,  
Was the son of a ranger man,  
Yes he was, he was, oh yes he was.

The only one who could e'er convince me,  
Was the son of a ranger man,  
The only one who could "I'm your prince" me,  
Was the son of a ranger man.

The only one who could e'er convince me,  
Was the son of a ranger man,  
The only one who could "I'm your prince" me,  
Was the son of a ranger man.  



	22. Bridge over Anduin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author's note:**  
Sung by Faramir, written by the duo of Saruman & Glorfindel. Based on "Bridge over Troubled Water," by Simon and Garfunkel.

*******

When the Nazgûl screech their call  
And Haradrim attack, we will fight them all  
We will not hide  
Oh, when Mordor's might  
On all sides us surrounds  
Then the bridge over Anduin  
We must pull it down  
Then the bridge over Anduin  
We must pull it down

When it's all in doubt  
When we must retreat  
When losses fail to guard  
I must lead them through  
I'll falter not, oh, when shadows come  
And darkness us surrounds  
Then the bridge over Anduin  
We must pull it down  
Then the bridge over Anduin  
We must pull it down

Ride on Mithrandir  
Almost fly  
It's not your time to shine  
Now is Éowyn's great day  
It will be fine  
Oh, when she needs a friend  
I will be there to find  
And the bridge over Anduin  
Will again banks bind  
And the bridge over Anduin  
Will again banks bind  



	23. Denethor's Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author's note:**  
Based on "Pilate's Dream," from _Jesus Christ Superstar_ , lyrics by Tim Rice, music by Andrew Lloyd Webber.

*******

I dreamed I met a kingly stranger  
A most impressive man  
He had a look  
I'd never seen before  
His face it promised war

I asked him  
What he planned to do next  
What might be his plan  
I asked again  
He turned his back on me  
To look at the White Tree

And next the lands were full  
Of Orcs, and fighting men  
Who followed this dark man  
They marched away and then  
The Orcs vanished again

Then I saw all Gondor's millions  
Calling for this man  
Himself the king of Gondor to proclaim  
And then I saw just flame  



	24. Ioreth Healer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author's note:**  
Sung in Gondor, based on “Eleanor Rigby,” by the Beatles.

*******

Ah, listen to the joyful people  
Ah, listen to the joyful people

Ioreth Healer says that the hands of a king show his power to heal,  
Makes an appeal.  
Bustles in cool halls, chattering now of the legends she knows,  
What are they for?  
All the joyful people, what makes them all so glad?  
All the joyful people, will no one now be sad?

Strider Elessar, coming to serve as a healer in all namelessness,  
Clearing the mess.  
With sweet galenas, bringing a breath of fresh air ‘gainst the Nazgûl’s Black Breath  
Save them from death.  
All the joyful people, what makes them all so glad?  
All the joyful people, will no one now be sad?

Ah, listen to the joyful people  
Ah, listen to the joyful people

Ioreth Healer talks to her cousin of healing and herblore and kings,  
And suchlike things.  
Strider Elessar enters the city to cheers and the hope of all men.  
“A king again!”  
All the joyful people, what makes them all so glad?  
All the joyful people, will no one now be sad?  



	25. A Taste of <i>Lembas</i>

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author's note:**  
Sung by Sam; based on “A Taste of Honey,” by the Beatles.

*******

A taste of _lembas_... tasting much better than _cram_.  
I dream of fish and taters fried  
And wish instead of crumbs inside,  
A taste of _lembas_... tasting much better than _cram_.  
We won’t return, no we won’t return  
Can’t come back despite _lembas_ , it’s true.  
It was that food that let us walk  
Our volition it would not balk  
That taste of _lembas_... tasting much better than _cram_.  
We won’t return, no we won’t return,  
Can’t come back (can’t come back) despite _lembas_ (despite _lembas_ ) it’s true.  



	26. Kementáris Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author's note:**  
Sung by Haldir; based on “Mother Nature’s Son,” by the Beatles.

*******

Born an Elf in Lórien –  
Kementári’s son.  
All night long I’m playing, dancing now with everyone.  
Sit beside the Celebrant – hear its waters flow.  
Listen to the liquid sound of music there below.  
Find me on Cerin Amroth –  
Kementári’s son.  
Rustling _mellyrn_ call to mind the gold of setting sun.  
Kementári’s son.  



	27. Rosie My Dear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author's note:**  
Sung by Sam, based on “Martha My Dear,” by the Beatles.

*******

Rosie my dear though I’m far away  
In Sauron’s Mordor  
Please  
Remember me Rosie my love  
Don’t forget me Rosie my dear  
Keep your chin firm my darling girl think of your Sam  
When you find danger in the Shire at home  
Don’t be feared, know that I will be soon be home to see you  
Darling girl.  
Think of those who surround you  
Think of your Sam you’re bound to see  
That you and me will always be bound together  
Darling girl.  
Keep your head up my darling girl think of your Sam  
When you find danger in the Shire at home  
Don’t be feared, know that I will be soon be home to see you  
Darling girl.  
Rosie my dear you have always been  
My garden’s border  
Please  
Be true to me Rosie my love  
Don’t forget me Rosie my dear.  



	28. Wizard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
Sung by Gandalf after Saruman’s death; based on “Angel,” by the Eurythmics.

*******

You put on this body like a shawl  
So eagerly you came here  
Walking tall  
When did you fall?

And we all followed you  
We all followed you  
Like Tirion chasing  
Arien in the heavens  
(When did you fall?)

Well he’s gone out to great Eru  
Back to where we came from  
Heeding now that call...  
Heeding now that call...  
Needing now us all  
’Cause it’s too late for  
Your regrets  
We’ll not forget

Wizard  
Poor wizard  
’Twas Men named you  
Wizard...

He took his course  
Without a qualm  
He took his course  
Without a single qualm  
And no-one could tell him  
How to act then

And we all followed you  
We all followed you  
Like Túrin hunting  
After fiery Glaurung  
(When did you fall?)

Well he’s gone out to  
great Eru  
Back to where we came from  
Heeding now that call...  



	29. For Rosie, Whenever I May Find Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author's note:**  
Sung by Sam, written by the duo of Saruman & Glorfindel. Based on "For Emily, Whenever I May Find Her," by Simon & Garfunkel.

*******

What a dream I had  
Picking strawberries  
In the summer sun  
With only my Rosie  
Love was our domain

I wandered Hobbiton  
Down through those golden days  
I heard the nesting birds  
Chirping in their hedgerow maze  
As I walked on

And when she ran to me  
Her smile so gladly bright  
We walked through dusty fields  
And watched the birds all take flight  
I held her hand

And when I woke  
And knew she was not here  
I hid from Frodo that  
I inclined to tears  
Oh I love her so  
Oh I love her  



	30. These Fading Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
As well as the usual disclaimer, I must note that the form of the poem is modeled on “These Foolish Things,” by Bryan Ferry. Sung by Frodo before departing to the West.

*******

Oh will it never let me be  
Oh will it never set me free  
The Ring that I bore  
Though it is no more  
It still invades my memory  
I recall every hope and pain  
From walking there and back again

A mithril shirt that bears an Orc-spear’s traces  
A scrap of leather that was trouser-laces  
All of my thoughts have wings  
These outworn things  
Remind me of it

A whistling Samwise in the garden content  
Those stumbling steps of Elanor so intent  
A memory of stone kings  
These many things  
Remind me of it

It was  
So small  
But conquered me  
When it did that to me, I somehow knew what would have to be

The winds of war that never bring an answer  
The winds of peace cannot make me a dancer  
Oh how the shade of it clings  
These spirit-things  
Remind me of it

Some bundled oddments serving for a pillow  
Half-drowning at the root of Old Man Willow  
All of my thoughts have wings  
These long-gone things  
Remind me of it

I knew  
That this  
Was bound to be  
My loss has haunted me, the Ring has wholly enchanted me

The rasp of fallen leaves like conversations  
Elf-cloak now thrown aside looks accusations  
Oh how the shade of it clings  
These fading things  
Remind me of it

The smile of Arwen only questions poses  
There’s urgency before the Haven closes  
The song that Rosie sings  
These pressing things  
Remind me of it

How strange  
To think  
It holds me still  
What once was dear to me is somehow no longer near to me

The scent of pipeweed and the clouds like streamers  
Will draw me onward with the other dreamers  
Oh how the shade of it clings  
Every last thing  
Reminds me of it  
Just it  



	31. Istar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
As well as the usual disclaimer, I must note that the form of the poem is modeled on “Old Friends,” by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel. Sung by Treebeard to Saruman trapped in Orthanc.

*******

Istar,  
Istar,  
Locked up in Orthanc –  
Your bell jar.  
A suddenly roused group of Ents  
Fell on your tower,  
And now captive  
Is what you are.

Istar,  
Saruman, master  
Of naught now.  
Hiding in stony rooms,  
Waiting for Mithrandir.  
The sounds of the water,  
Lapping your gates  
Provokes your wrath,  
But there’s nothing  
For you, Istar.

Can you imagine that  
You could be saved,  
If you could tolerate forgiveness?  
Can you not let go  
Of your craftiness?  
Istar,  
They will remember you for years  
Pitying, rather than with fears.  



	32. Gandalf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
As well as the usual disclaimer, I must note that this is based on “Pressure,” by Billy Joel. Saruman sings while watching the Fellowship in the _palantír_.

*******

You have to keep rein on yourself  
Gandalf  
You can’t lead everybody else  
Gandalf  
You’ve never had to put in place a king  
But you will come to a time  
When the only choice you make  
Is hidden, dark, in your mind  
And you’ll have to die then Gandalf

You used to call me meddlesome  
Gandalf  
But can’t you see that you are one  
Gandalf  
You think that flouting Sauron is simple  
Now here you are with your faith  
And your simpleton advice  
You may have lines on your face  
But you’ll fail in the end Gandalf

Always moving, someplace to go  
Steward or king  
Which should now go?  
All your life you’ve wasted on Men  
Foolish of you  
They don’t know friends  
Gandalf  
Gandalf

Don’t look to me to help you out  
Gandalf  
You’ll have to manage – which I doubt  
Gandalf  
I’m sure you have some philosophic plan  
But here you are in the Mines  
Aragorn is losing hope  
Nothing to do but give in  
Fall into the abyss Gandalf  
Gandalf

All your life you’ve tried to do good  
I gave that up  
Who says we should?  
Gandalf

I’m sure you have some philosophic plan  
But here you are with your faith  
And your simpleton advice  
You may have lines on your face  
But you’ll fail in the end Gandalf  
Gandalf, Gandalf  
Just give up now  
Gandalf  



	33. I Do Know Why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
As well as the usual disclaimer, I must note that the form of this is based on “Don’t Ask Me Why,” by Billy Joel. Boromir sings at Parth Galen.

*******

All the Hobbits on this long journey  
Do from thoughts of combats shrink  
We the Men must fight to keep them free  
And we may succeed, I think  
Won’t wait for answers  
I’ll take my chances  
I do know why

All my life I’ve been the Steward’s child  
And I’m waiting for that seat  
All his choices have left me beguiled  
And indeed I feel the heat  
Won’t wait for answers  
I’ll take my chances  
And you know why

I have heard obedience can be a foolish thing  
And it to the loss of will can lead  
But I obey the Steward in the absence of a king  
And for him would do a mighty deed

All the goblins in the Riddermark  
Now come to disrupt our plans  
Fight them all, I will not choose the dark  
In the end I’ll make a stand  
I ask no favors  
From jumped-up rangers  
Though I may die

Earlier I thought to take the Ring  
Now its bearer’s gone away  
Instead my blade will of battle sing  
For as long as fight I may  
There are no answers  
I took my chances  
And soon I’ll die  
I do know why  



	34. Ring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
As well as the usual disclaimer, I must note that the form of this is based on based on “Chains,” written by Goffin/King, as sung by the Beatles. Sung by Frodo in Rivendell.

*******

Ring, my neck is burdened by this gold Ring.  
And it ain’t no cause for jubilee.  
Whoa, oh, this Ring of gold got a hold on me, yeah.

Ring, well I can’t get away from this Ring.  
Can’t stay at home; Sauron would see.  
Whoa oh, this Ring of gold is haunting me, yeah.

I wanna tell you, Samwise Gamgee,  
I need your help.  
I have to travel  
But, Samwise, I am weighed down by this

Ring, my neck is burdened by this gold Ring.  
And it ain’t no cause for jubilee.  
Whoa, oh, this Ring of gold got a hold on me, yeah.

Please believe me when I tell you  
I trust your heart.  
I know you’ll follow  
And help me with the onus of this

Ring, my neck is burdened by this gold Ring.  
And it ain’t no cause for jubilee.  
Whoa, oh, this Ring of gold got a hold on me, yeah.

Ring, ring of gold...  



	35. Bucklebury Girls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
As well as the usual disclaimer, I must note that the form of this is based on based on “California Girls,” by the Beach Boys. Sung by Meriadoc, thinking about the girl-Hobbits around the Shire.

*******

Well Waymoot girls are cute  
I really like those braids they wear  
And the Sarn Ford girls with the way they bake  
They feed me up when I’m down there

Old Farmer Maggot’s daughters have been known to dance all night  
And the Rushey girls with their furry feet  
They make the best ale – out of sight

I wish they all could be Bucklebury  
I wish they all could be Bucklebury  
I wish they all could be Bucklebury girls

The Buckland has its river  
And the girls go down to bathe  
I see them in the water in their skirted suits  
And when they look up they all wave

I’ve been out in the world of Men  
And I’ve seen all of their girls  
Yeah, but I was dyin’ to get back to the Shire  
Back to the shortest girls in the world

I wish they all could be Bucklebury  
I wish they all could be Bucklebury  
I wish they all could be Bucklebury girls  



	36. Golden <i>Mellyrn</i>

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
As well as the usual disclaimer, I must note that this is based on “Golden Slumbers” by John Lennon and Paul McCartney – sung by the Beatles.

*******

Once I knew a way to travel westward  
Once I knew a way to travel west  
Sleep _meldanya_ And when you wake we both will fly

Golden _mellyrn_ are the prize  
Gleaming in the bright sunrise  
Sleep _meldanya_ now, for night is nigh  
And when you wake we both will fly

Once I knew a way to travel westward  
Once I knew a way to travel west  
Sleep _meldanya_ now, for night is nigh  
And when you wake we both will fly  



	37. Mary-Sue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
As well as the usual disclaimer, I must note that this is based on “Nowhere Man” by John Lennon and Paul McCartney – sung by the Beatles.

*******

She’s a real Mary-Sue  
Hair of gold and eyes of blue  
Making plans to take over the Fellowship

Speaks from shifting points of view  
Doesn’t know she’s out of true  
Isn’t she annoying as can be?  
Mary-Sue, I’m wishing  
That you would only listen  
Mary-Sue, the tale is not about you

She’s as cute as she can be  
Aragorn is on his knees  
Mary-Sue, can you heal Frodo’s wound?  
Mary Sue, your flirting  
May be awfully diverting  
But in all, somebody else  
Would be less bothersome  
Ah, la, la, la, la

Speaks from shifting points of view  
Doesn’t know she’s out of true  
Isn’t she annoying as can be?  
Mary-Sue, I’m wishing  
That you would only listen  
Mary-Sue, the tale is not about you  
Ah, la, la, la, la

She’s a real Mary-Sue  
Hair of gold and eyes of blue  
Making plans to take over the Fellowship  
Making plans to take over the Fellowship  
Making plans to take over the Fellowship  



	38. Drive My Cart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
As well as the usual disclaimer, I must note that this is based on “Drive My Car,” by John Lennon and Paul McCartney – sung by the Beatles.

*******

Asked her once for a hot cup of tea  
She said, “Samwise, can’t you see  
I’m trying to take all this hay to the shed  
And you can be useful here instead.”

“Samwise you can drive my cart –  
No, it’s not as fun as darts –  
Samwise you can drive my cart  
And you know I love you.”

I told Rosie that my pony was lame  
And she said, “Samwise, I know your game.  
Working for Baggins is all very well  
But I can offer you something swell.”

“Samwise you can drive my cart –  
No, it’s not as fun as darts –  
Samwise you can drive my cart  
And you know I love you.”  
Clip clop, clip clop, yeah.

“Samwise you can drive my cart –  
No, it’s not as fun as darts –  
Samwise you can drive my cart  
And you know I love you.”

I gave in then and I told her I’d go  
And she said, “Listen Sam, you have something to know  
I have no cart and I need to use yours  
But I’ll help you out with your other chores.”

“Samwise you can drive my cart –  
No, it’s not as fun as darts –  
Samwise you can drive my cart  
And you know I love you.”  
Clip clop, clip clop, yeah.  
Clip clop, clip clop, yeah.  
Clip clop, clip clop, yeah.  



	39. Run Run Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
As well as the usual disclaimer, I must note that the form of this is based on “Fun Fun Fun” by Brian Wilson and Mike Love, recorded by the Beach Boys. Sung by Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas, while chasing Orcs across Rohan.

*******

_Aragorn:_  
Well we fought against the Orcs  
And they fled across the plains of Rohan now  
Seems we forgot to be certain that the Hobbits  
Were in our careful hands now  
And with the Uruk-hai marching  
We must chase them just as fast as we can now

And we will run run run  
Till we catch them, we will not delay  
(Run run run till we catch them, we will not delay)

_Gimli:_  
Well this Dwarf has to stand it  
Though I’m unaccustomed to this pace now  
(They picked up the pace now they picked up the pace)  
This makes the journey from Imladris look like a simple marching test case now  
(They picked up the pace now they picked up the pace)  
But we have to try to catch them  
Even though they’re far ahead in this chase now  
(They picked up the pace now they picked up the pace)

And we will run run run  
Till we catch them, we will not delay  
(Run run run till we catch them, we will not delay)

_Legolas:_  
Well we knew all along  
That the Orcs might notice that we pursue now  
(We couldn’t have hid now we couldn’t have hid)  
But since we had no other choice  
We will do the best that we can all do now  
(We couldn’t have hid now we couldn’t have hid)  
For though we be only three  
Nothing will prevent us from pushing through now  
(We couldn’t have hid now we couldn’t have hid)

And we will run run run till we catch them, we will not delay  
(Run run run till we catch them, we will not delay)  
And we will run run run till we catch them, we will not delay  
(Run run run till we catch them, we will not delay)  
(Run run till we catch them, we will not delay)  
(Run run till we catch them, we will not delay)  
(Run run till we catch them, we will not delay)  
(Run run till we catch them, we will not delay)  
(Run run till we catch them, we will not delay)  
(Run run till we catch them, we will not delay)  



	40. Fanfiction Writer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
As well as the usual disclaimer, please note that this is based on “Paperback Writer,” written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney, sung by the Beatles.

*******

Fanfiction writer

Dearest web surfer, will you read my tale?  
It took me hours to write, it’s full of great detail.  
Based on the novel by the late Tolkien  
And I want reviews, ’cause you know I am a fanfiction writer,  
Fanfiction writer.

It’s a thrilling story of an Elf or three  
And some Hobbits who’re trying hard to flee.  
There are twists and turns like you won’t believe,  
It’s still incomplete, ’cause you know I am a fanfiction writer,  
Fanfiction writer.

Fanfiction writer

It’s a hundred chapters, give or take a few,  
I’ll be typing more in a day or two.  
It’s a work in progress, and if you review  
I will add some more, ’cause you know I am a fanfiction writer,  
Fanfiction writer.

If you really like it tell each of your friends;  
They can spread the word – this tale never ends.  
If you think it’s garbage then just click away  
I want only praise, ’cause you know I am a fanfiction writer,  
Fanfiction writer.

Fanfiction writer  
Fanfiction writer  
Fanfiction writer  
Fanfiction writer  
Fanfiction writer  



	41. Gollum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
As well as the usual disclaimer, please note that this is based on “Cloudy,” written by Paul Simon, performed by Simon & Garfunkel. Sung by Bilbo in the caves during _The Hobbit_.

*******

Gollum  
His skin is greenish and quite loathsome,  
Sometimes I think he has no teeth, just gums.  
And it’s strange to see him smile.  
His expression full of bile  
Though he thinks he’s full of guile.  
I’ll play his game and go back to the Dwarves in a short while.

Gollum  
His cave is lightless and his pool glum,  
Even the Orcs would call it a slum.  
This game he does compel.  
So we riddles each will tell.  
And whichever does most well  
He will have the prize he wishes and the other bid farewell.

Hey Balin  
Remember lucky number fourteen.  
Where have you Dwarves escaped to unforeseen?  
These riddles that I try  
Are ending in a tie.  
And I’m worried I might die.  
I can’t think of another so I’ll have to be more sly.

Gollum,  
Gollum.  



	42. Legolas Greenleaf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
As well as the usual disclaimer, please note that this is based on “Eleanor Rigby,” by John Lennon and Paul McCartney, performed by the Beatles.

*******

Ah, look at all the frightened Hobbits  
Ah, look at all the frightened Hobbits

Legolas Greenleaf picks up his bow  
and arrows in the cave to defend  
All of his friends  
Waits for a good shot, hand on the string  
that he pulls with his deadly Elf grace  
He’ll not lose face

All the frightened Hobbits  
They soon will find courage  
All the frightened Hobbits  
For honor is their pledge

Gandalf the Wizard, wielding his staff  
with intent to dispose of the foe  
He did not know  
It was a Balrog that he would fight  
In the night of the caverns so deep  
He’ll his friends keep

All the frightened Hobbits  
They soon will find courage  
All the frightened Hobbits  
For honor is their pledge

Ah, look at all the frightened Hobbits  
Ah, look at all the frightened Hobbits

Legolas Greenleaf shot all his shafts  
and drew knife to go into the fray  
Yearning to slay  
Gandalf the Wizard cried to them all  
Not to fall, but to flee from the cave  
He did them save

All the frightened Hobbits  
They soon will find courage  
All the frightened Hobbits  
For honor is their pledge  



	43. Haldir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of filks, of various sorts, which will expand if and when the muse strikes.

**Author’s note:**  
As well as the usual disclaimer, please note that this is based on “Michelle,” by John Lennon and Paul McCartney, performed by the Beatles.

*******

Haldir, my dear  
Sunlight’s bright whenever you appear  
My Haldir

Haldir, my dear  
 _Le nallon, a tiro nin Haldir  
Nín Haldir_

Together, together, together  
I long for us to stay  
I know we’ll find a way  
We will live and die in company and pass westward then

Haldir, my dear  
 _Le nallon, a tiro nin Haldir  
Nín Haldir_

You have to, you have to, you have to  
You have to believe me  
Forever I’ll love thee  
Until the end of time itself, most unselfishly  
I love you

I know you, I know you, I know you  
You’ll never disavow  
Our love, but will allow  
It to grow strong and last life-long and even beyond

Haldir, my dear  
 _Le nallon, a tiro nin Haldir  
Nín Haldir_  
We will live and die in company and pass westward then  
 _Nín Haldir_

*******

Note on translation of the Sindarin:

_Le nallon, a tiro nin Haldir_ : To thee I cry, o look towards me, Haldir  
 _Nín Haldir_ : My Haldir  



End file.
